Did you hear the one about.....

[001 Neville]

Did you hear the one about the man and his wife who were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door?

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring rain!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swings!" replies the drunk.


Did you hear the one about the farmer who had been taken several times by his local car dealer? As luck would have it, one day the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase one of his cows and asked for a quote.

The farmer priced his cow as follows:

Basic cow: $499.95

Shipping and handling: $35.75

Extra stomach: $79.25

Two tone exterior: $142.10

Produce storage compartment: $126.50

Heavy duty straw chopper: $189.60

Four spigot/high output drain system: $149.20

Automatic fly swatter: $88.50

Genuine cowhide upholstery: $179.90

Deluxe dual horns: $59.25

Automatic fertilizer attachment: $339.40

4 x 4 traction drive assembly: $884.16

Pre-delivery wash and comb: $69.80

FARMERS SUGGESTED LIST PRICE: $2843.36

Additional dealer adjustments: $300.00

TOTAL LIST PRICE: $3143.36